And a P.I.E.S. check in
One morning I slept through something I was responsible for leading, and when I finally realized what had happened, I was genuinely dumbfounded. My wake-up protocol had simply failed, people had been waiting for me, and there was no complicated explanation that could make it sound better. I had failed to launch, and I felt absolutely horrible about it. transcript
The person managing things online had already heard from people wondering what had happened to me. When I finally made contact, she told me she was relieved because when someone does not show up unexpectedly, her first thought is that something serious may have happened. That somehow made me feel even worse, because now I knew I had not only disappointed people, I had also worried them.
I emailed everyone individually because that part was clear to me. I had made a mistake, people had been affected by it, and I needed to acknowledge that directly. There was no need for a dramatic explanation or an excuse, because sometimes accountability is simply saying, “I am sorry. This happened. I know you were expecting me.” transcript
What became more complicated was what happened inside me afterward, because I know what it is like to depend on a practice when life feels heavy. There was a period when grief was driving so much of what I did, and showing up for something that helped me feel grounded could matter far more than the person leading it probably knew. That understanding is part of why I eventually became a teacher myself, so I could not simply shrug this morning off as though nobody had been counting on me. transcript
At the same time, I could feel the difference between taking responsibility and beginning to punish myself. Those are not the same thing, although they can become tangled very quickly when you are accustomed to being dependable. One mistake can suddenly turn into questions about your character, your competence and whether you have somehow become the kind of person who lets everybody down, especially when you were already tired before the mistake happened.
So I did what I teach other people to do, which is to notice what was actually happening instead of letting everything become one giant emotional blur. I did a PIES check-in: physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual. Physically, I was exhausted. Intellectually, I was not doing particularly well because my mind had already begun replaying everything I believed I had done wrong. Emotionally, I was drained for reasons that stretched well beyond this one morning. Spiritually, though, I was okay, because I believe in grace and forgiveness, and apparently the person who needed access to some of that grace today was me. transcript
That does not mean pretending the mistake did not matter. It means I can apologize, make whatever changes I need to make to my wake-up system, learn from what happened and still refuse to spend the rest of the day punishing myself. There is a difference between repair and self-attack, and this morning I had to practice recognizing it in real time.
Maybe that is what self-forgiveness actually looks like when it is not just a pretty concept. You admit what happened, you make amends where you can, you learn something, and then you decide whether you are going to keep carrying the mistake long after carrying it has stopped helping anyone.
I think that is especially hard for people who are usually the ones who show up, remember things, help other people, keep the plan moving and try very hard not to create extra work for anyone else. When you identify strongly with being reliable, one failure can feel much larger than the actual event, because it starts threatening the story you tell yourself about who you are.
Mindfulness does not make me a person who never screws up, and thank God, because I would be terrible at that practice. 😂 What it gives me is a way to notice shame, disappointment and self-criticism before they decide what kind of day I am going to have.
So today I am asking myself the same question I would ask anyone else:
What am I carrying that has become too heavy because I have not forgiven myself for it?
Maybe there is something you need to apologize for, repair, change or do differently next time. Do that. Accountability matters. Then ask whether continuing to make yourself pay for it is actually helping anybody.
For me, today’s practice is self-forgiveness, grace, humility and self-devotion, not as abstract ideas but as tools I needed because I was the one who dropped the ball.
If one mistake can hijack your entire day, my on-demand conversation Why Stress Keeps Showing Up is about noticing the pattern before it takes over:
And if you do nothing else today, try a PIES check-in and ask yourself how you are doing physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Then give yourself one final question:
What can I forgive myself for today?
